A month before I left for college my parents’ friend asked if I would like to make a little money acting as a bartender/cater waiter at a party he was throwing. Of course I agreed, because obviously the best job you can have is working at a party full of old people who are about to get drunk and tell you stories of the Great Depression.
And get drunk they did. Particularly my parents’ friend who had hired me in the first place. He cornered me in the kitchen, my arms full of hors d’eouvres, and gave this speech.
"You’re so young."
"I guess so…"
"I was so dumb when I was young. I made choices that were not good choices. It’s like I wish I could go back and tell young me what to do. That’d be cool. You’re young."
"I guess so…"
"You’re about to go to college. That’s the best time of your life. If I could go back in time and tell my college self what to do I’d give him my lucky mug."
At this point he took a mug out of the cabinet. It was a white mug and it said Carpe Diem in black letters.
"I’d tell my younger self Carpe Diem. Seize the Day motherfucker. Sorry. I swore."
"Seize the Day motherfucker. You’re not always going to be young and handsome and a pussy magnet. Sorry."
"Less okay, but still okay."
"It’s like I’m so fat now. I’m just so fat. And balding. And I wish I’d just seized the day. Like just grabbed life by the balls and just ballsack fucked it. Sorry."
"Kind of not okay."
"But maybe you can do it. Maybe you can ballsack fuck life."
"I’d rather not."
"You know what I’m saying. Carpe Diem. Seize the Day!"
Suddenly he had a thought. I say this because it was like a drunk lightbulb went off in his head. He looked up at the sky, smiled, wobbled a little, and then turned to me.
"You’re going off to college in a month and I want to give you something. My favorite mug."
With a shaking hand he gave me his mug.
"It will remind you to Carpe Diem every day. Fuck life in its ass."
"Please stop saying that."
So I took the mug. I mean what the hell, it was a free mug. Everybody likes free stuff.
Two weeks later he came over to my parents house for dinner. And get this… he wanted the mug back. It was his lucky mug. But he refused to actually ask for it back.
"So…. ummm… how funny is it that I gave you my favorite, lucky mug?"
"It was nice of you. Thanks!"
"Yeah, but it’s my favorite mug. I’ve had that mug for 20 years now."
"Wow, that’s a long time. I sure appreciate it."
"You probably don’t need another dumb mug. What are you going to do… take it to college with you? Haha."
"Yep. I am. It’s going to college with me as my most prized possession."
Needless to say he never got his mug back. And I still have it to this day. I think. It’s probably in storage. Or at Goodwill. Carpe Diem, Seize the Mug.