Over Christmas, I went to Costa Rica with my family. My dad bought a new pair of cargo pants with zip off lower legs.
"Check this out," he said when he first saw me. "Now they’re pants…" he unzipped the lower halves of each leg "… now they’re shorts! Pants, shorts, pants, shorts! And check out how many pockets they have! I could have gone without luggage, I could have just packed everything into my pants!"
He was very proud of those pants/shorts. He wore them everywhere. He even wore them on the plane on our return trip.
Now when my father is tan he has a tendency to look… kind of… what is the word… oh, right. He looks kind of terrorist-ey. He has dark hair and a beard and the minute he goes in the sun his skin turns the color of a nonfat vanilla latte. A nonfat vanilla latte that might suicide bomb some other lattes. Basically he’s almost always “randomly selected” to be searched at customs.
Our return trip was no exception. He was immediately pulled aside and told he’d been “randomly selected” to have his bag searched. Security opened his suitcase and rifled through it, seeming almost disappointed that everything matched his customs form. Then one of the guards (are they guards?) unzipped a side pocket of his backpack and found something suspicious.
Guard (?): Aha!
Dad: That’s an apple.
Guard: Yes, you’re not allowed to bring produce, meat products or cheeses through customs.
Dad: Oh, okay.
Guard: Did you think you could sneak this past us? Did you think we wouldn’t find it?
Dad: I forgot it was there. Honest mistake.
The guard confiscated the apple and then begrudgingly allowed my dad to go on his way.
Me: Looks like they caught you and you’re dastardly plan to sneak an apple into the country.
My dad just chuckled menacingly to himself.
Me: Why are you doing that? Please stop doing that. It’s the sound of my nightmares.
He scary chuckled some more. In fact he didn’t stop scary chuckling until we got to baggage claim.
Dad: They can’t catch me. They’ll never catch me.
And with that he reached into his 17 cargo pockets and removed a sausage, a kiwi, a papaya, a banana, 2 apples and 3 different kinds of cheeses.
He is now on the no fly list.